Tag Archives: questions


3 things that I’m thankful for:
A shoebox of my own in just under a week
An inspiring church that’s just a 10-minute walk away
A job interview

Yes, I took a leap of faith and upped and came to New Zealand, just as I’ve said that I probably would in my previous post. I’ve loved every moment of it since my arrival – the temperature (a steady 14 – 18 degrees), the sights and sounds, and just the convenience of moving about. Oh, and the public library!

But the real struggle is when you’re here on a mission, and not just for a vacation – the game changes. It’s been 17 days in to my little adventure but I am still trying to find that spot of calm, that peacefulness of knowing that ‘everything will be OK’. I knew it would be tough to attempt settling into a foreign environment, but I didn’t have a gauge on the extent of it until I embarked on a job hunt for a full-time position. It’s been tough. Sending out more than 10 applications only to hear back from just a couple sure leaves a dent in your self-confidence. But on the flip side, it has also reminded me of how blessed I’ve been for all these years. Back in Malaysia, I had jobs that were waiting for me. While I was in the midst of my college degree, I was referred to a small creative consultancy that did amazing works for one of the world’s largest shopping malls. I interned with them and eventually became a full-time hire. I worked there for seven years, and when I resigned, I immediately had something else to take on. I did not actually have to go through a job hunt.

So here I am now, actually experiencing what would be my first job hunt in 29 years of my life.

While the calm is taking a while to set in, I have made conscious effort to try things I otherwise would never even think of – applying for an assistant store manager role with kikki.K, for instance. Haha! Yes! I am very aware that I do not have the experience for that role, but what the heck, right? It could only go two ways – a. they won’t hire me, or b. they’d love my enthusiasm and train me for it. (ps: I’ll give an update to this if they reply me.) Also, I’m practising letting go of things and events that I really just have no control over – whatever happens after I hit the ‘Submit’ button on every application I send out. I’m almost a control freak, if not one already. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of things be it my finances, schedules, or my future. And this leap to Hobbit Land has definitely stretched me in a lot of somewhat uncomfortable ways. But, I try.

I try to look on the bright side. I feel very grateful for everything I’ve achieved so far and know that other people have to struggle up much bigger hills than my own. But sometimes, gratitude and optimism can only get you so far. Gratitude and optimism can’t satisfy lingering doubts, or tell you what it all adds up to – or if it is meant to add up to anything at all. They don’t soothe the voice that keeps prodding and asking, “What are you doing? Do you think any of it really matters?

The voice wants answers, but I haven’t got any. I just keep going, ploughing ahead, and hoping to God I can pay my bills, while I watch the days and weeks flit past. These 17 days have sometimes felt like an exercise in contortion. They have sometimes felt like I have twisted and wrapped myself into strange shapes to continue on. Sometimes I have felt like I have become someone else entirely: the kind of person who doesn’t think about anything other than the achievement of goals, not their meaning. The kind of person who is committed and confident and sure. The kind of person who believes, intrinsically, in what they are doing. The kind of person who is not afraid.

When you go to bed after hours of being someone else, your head feels as full as a fishbowl and your shoulders feel as heavy as your heart. Instead of relaxing, you find yourself trying to reconcile the distance between who you think you are and who you need to become to get by. I have tried letting go. I have tried resigning every conceit I have about myself and just accepting that I need to become someone else for good. But every time I have tried to let go, I’ve found some small part of myself clinging determinedly to the remaining strands of who I imagine I am, or who I imagine I should be.

So I carry on and hope that, in the end, it all works out.

17 days in to this adventure have definitely done a very good job of pushing me out of my comfort zone, right into something I knew very little of. I’ve got a loooooong way ahead of me, and a lot of praying (and crying. Haha!) to do, so wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

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Weddings. They redefine friendships, relationships and above all, the meaning of life and love.

I am writing from Perth at this very moment. Flew in for my cousin’s wedding, and will be here for about a week. Weddings have a weird way of getting you thinking about your life, its direction and destination. I always knew I wasn’t the kind who’d settle down in marriage, at least not at 26 years of age when everything is still just about beginning to unfold for and around me. But that said, my cousin’s wedding did push me into that space of thought. It’s not about caving in to the pressure of family and peers of the same age group tying the knot while you’re still just well, dating but it’s just a whole shift of dynamics and all of a sudden, you realise that life at 26 is a different ball game altogether, especially when it’s that age when you should be stabilising, relationship wise to say the least.

I am but two weeks older than my cousin is. We share almost similar characteristics, so say the relatives, her parents and mine. They are an amazing couple with equally amazing friends that were part of a beautiful wedding, I must say. Decked out under the sun at that garden wedding waiting for the bridal party to stroll in, it was inevitable that I asked myself the million dollar question, “Will I ever get married? Will I ever be ready to commit?

Everyone says that when the right person comes along, things will fall into place. I was in a six year long relationship only to eventually feel like we, or more like I wanted different things in life and we just went downhill from there. I can’t help but wonder if I’d ever be able to settle for a routine, whether it’s a habit, a job, a life, or a person. It scares me terribly that I suck at committing to something. And I am absolutely envious of these people who are able to commit to something, or someone for the rest of their lives not knowing if things are for better or worse.

Every time I travel, I make sure I bring extra cash, for those just-in-case scenarios. I always bring extra for the extra and it’s good (and wise, in my opinion) because I will never have to worry if my plastic don’t pass a transaction or if I got stranded somewhere and needed to cab home. But Mr. Bentley made a point went he said this was a reflection of the person I am, an almost-control freak. I had to be in control of, or at least know at the back of my mind that I can salvage a situation whatever it is and I eventually just don’t get to living out those YOLO moments I swear by, simply because I’m always too damn cautious of order, plans, and back up plans.

In all honesty, I am afraid to commit to something, anything, that I don’t already know the outcome to, or have the ability to control the eventual outcome of. When I look at some of the friends that would most likely be our wedding guests or even part of the bridal party, I can’t help but question if they are ready to be part of our wedded life, if we settle down. There are so many concerns that I have, just thinking of the possible list of people that will be playing a part in our big day, if ever. And I suddenly think to myself, “Damn. We need more mature friends who don’t talk to breasts and live on booze.”  Friends who can and would actually give us good advice and guidance when we need some. And trusting those friends to give good speeches at your wedding, even. After all, they always say that when you marry a person, you marry his/her friends and family too. It is funny at first, but then it gets scary afterwards if you really give it a thought.

I envy the assurance people find in their best friend, their punching bag, the love of their life, their spouses, despite really not knowing what’s up ahead – good or bad – that’s in store for them. I envy how people are willing to surrender the utmost control over their lives and to share it with that someone special. I want to have that assurance, cling on to it and abandon all doubts at once.

If I never get married, I swear I’d style a mock wedding with my best guy friend, have it photographed for keepsake and move on with my luggage to a million other places until I find a place where I feel like I belong.

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