Tag Archives: God

A FISHBOWL & A HEAVY HEART

3 things that I’m thankful for:
A shoebox of my own in just under a week
An inspiring church that’s just a 10-minute walk away
A job interview

Yes, I took a leap of faith and upped and came to New Zealand, just as I’ve said that I probably would in my previous post. I’ve loved every moment of it since my arrival – the temperature (a steady 14 – 18 degrees), the sights and sounds, and just the convenience of moving about. Oh, and the public library!

But the real struggle is when you’re here on a mission, and not just for a vacation – the game changes. It’s been 17 days in to my little adventure but I am still trying to find that spot of calm, that peacefulness of knowing that ‘everything will be OK’. I knew it would be tough to attempt settling into a foreign environment, but I didn’t have a gauge on the extent of it until I embarked on a job hunt for a full-time position. It’s been tough. Sending out more than 10 applications only to hear back from just a couple sure leaves a dent in your self-confidence. But on the flip side, it has also reminded me of how blessed I’ve been for all these years. Back in Malaysia, I had jobs that were waiting for me. While I was in the midst of my college degree, I was referred to a small creative consultancy that did amazing works for one of the world’s largest shopping malls. I interned with them and eventually became a full-time hire. I worked there for seven years, and when I resigned, I immediately had something else to take on. I did not actually have to go through a job hunt.

So here I am now, actually experiencing what would be my first job hunt in 29 years of my life.

While the calm is taking a while to set in, I have made conscious effort to try things I otherwise would never even think of – applying for an assistant store manager role with kikki.K, for instance. Haha! Yes! I am very aware that I do not have the experience for that role, but what the heck, right? It could only go two ways – a. they won’t hire me, or b. they’d love my enthusiasm and train me for it. (ps: I’ll give an update to this if they reply me.) Also, I’m practising letting go of things and events that I really just have no control over – whatever happens after I hit the ‘Submit’ button on every application I send out. I’m almost a control freak, if not one already. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of things be it my finances, schedules, or my future. And this leap to Hobbit Land has definitely stretched me in a lot of somewhat uncomfortable ways. But, I try.

I try to look on the bright side. I feel very grateful for everything I’ve achieved so far and know that other people have to struggle up much bigger hills than my own. But sometimes, gratitude and optimism can only get you so far. Gratitude and optimism can’t satisfy lingering doubts, or tell you what it all adds up to – or if it is meant to add up to anything at all. They don’t soothe the voice that keeps prodding and asking, “What are you doing? Do you think any of it really matters?

The voice wants answers, but I haven’t got any. I just keep going, ploughing ahead, and hoping to God I can pay my bills, while I watch the days and weeks flit past. These 17 days have sometimes felt like an exercise in contortion. They have sometimes felt like I have twisted and wrapped myself into strange shapes to continue on. Sometimes I have felt like I have become someone else entirely: the kind of person who doesn’t think about anything other than the achievement of goals, not their meaning. The kind of person who is committed and confident and sure. The kind of person who believes, intrinsically, in what they are doing. The kind of person who is not afraid.

When you go to bed after hours of being someone else, your head feels as full as a fishbowl and your shoulders feel as heavy as your heart. Instead of relaxing, you find yourself trying to reconcile the distance between who you think you are and who you need to become to get by. I have tried letting go. I have tried resigning every conceit I have about myself and just accepting that I need to become someone else for good. But every time I have tried to let go, I’ve found some small part of myself clinging determinedly to the remaining strands of who I imagine I am, or who I imagine I should be.

So I carry on and hope that, in the end, it all works out.

17 days in to this adventure have definitely done a very good job of pushing me out of my comfort zone, right into something I knew very little of. I’ve got a loooooong way ahead of me, and a lot of praying (and crying. Haha!) to do, so wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

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INSTANT: APRIL

instant april

Dear God, April’s been good. Thank You.

So, April marked the beginning of new things in my life – new people, new workspace, new experiences, and above all, a new happiness. I find myself feeling beyond blessed at times like this, really.(:

April also marked the end of my friend’s hospital stay of over a month due to a bike accident. And I can’t thank God enough for keeping him alive and well through out his rehabilitation, as he battled a broken arm, fractured ribs and a lacerated liver. Today, he stands well and healthy, resting up to prepare him for the arm surgery he will undergo in a week’s time. To all who knew him, and to those who didn’t know him but read about him through my post and prayed for him anyway, thank you so, so much!

And now comes May, which, similar to every other month, I pray would be merciful and fruitful. I hope that May takes me places – mentally, spiritually and physically. I hope that May inspires me to do more, laugh more and see only the best in people and situations. And it’s my greatest hop that May does all that and more for you too, my friends.

Have an amazing May, as we countdown oh-too-soon to the mid of year 2014! Cheers!

Instant Months is a compilation of my month in Instagram shots. Check out the rest of my months here, or follow me on Instagram.

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27 LIFE LESSONS I LEARNED AT 27

This year, I turn 27. I’ve learnt so many lessons I’m thankful for, and will never trade them for anything. I know a lesson or two awaits us all at every different phase of our lives, these are mine. What’s yours?

1. NO MATTER HOW BROKEN YOU ARE, YOU WILL HEAL There were two relationships in my life, at two very different phases of my life that caused me to doubt any possibility of getting better. But I’m glad I’m standing. Bruised, but standing. No matter how broken you can be, if healing and getting better is what you want for yourself, it will happen.

2. PEOPLE SHOULD CHANGE, BUT SOME DON’T People should change, and they almost always do, for better or worse. But then there are those who’d rather live in the past ways, never intending to move forward – those are the people you have got to leave behind as you progress in life, whether you like it or not. They’ll drown you out at sea, you know.

3. EVERY FAMILY HAS ITS STRUGGLES Mine, included. And I will never take for granted the strength behind families who put aside their differences to hold each other together, to make forgiveness felt within their household, and above all, to love one another all the same regardless of their shortcomings.

4. WORK-LIFE BALANCE SHOULD BE EVERYTHING Having worked for close to six years now, I have realised that the one thing I don’t want to do without is a work-life balance. It is easy to overlook that balance when you’ve got a fat paycheque coming your way every month, but paying your bills is really just as far as your job would go to sustain you. You only start living when your bills are paid, and you have a life beside work to love.

5. IT’S OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE Sometimes, we look far and wide trying to figure out what we want in life, failing to see that occasionally it is good enough for us to know what we do not want in life, and take life in all its possibilities, from there.

6. IT MATTERS WHO YOU ARE WITH Friends or partners alike, it matters. They inevitably contribute to who you become, adding and subtracting along the way. The good ones, they build you. The bad ones, they tear you down. I’m not saying you should size up anyone, but it’s good to take a look at the people you spend a lot of your time with and decide if letting go some would do you more good than harm.

7. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A SPACE TO CALL YOUR OWN Whether it’s a home, or just a room, having a space you can, in my very own words ‘crawl into and die’ makes a difference to a crappy week. Paint it in your favourite colours, and decorate it any way you like it, like I did. It’s where you will go and find sanity in the midst of insanity.

8. PEOPLE CAN LEARN TO BE KIND They can, but more often that not, only because someone showed them what kindness is. I’ve learnt to pay it forward, in the things I do and say.

9. LIVING, IS THE BEST REVENGE I have realised that sometimes, living is perhaps the best revenge to anyone who has ever hurt you. Just living for yourself and knowing that you’re doing great, not just OK but great, without them and all the shit they’ve been giving you feels like everything you need and more, from a revenge.

10. THERE WILL NEVER BE TOO MANY TATTOOS Never let anyone or anything determine if you should start or stop having tattoos – and in my opinion, not even your faith or the people associated with it.

11. QUITING ISN’T NECESSARILY ALWAYS BAD People always associate quitting with the negative, but in fact, it could just save your life. If it keeps you from burning out, quit. If it keeps your health from deteriorating, quit. If it brings you down, quit. Calling it quits from the right things might save you your sanity.

12. FEAR IS INEVITABLE EVEN WHEN YOU’RE GOOD I had a crazy week that just passed – meetings, shoots and lots of planning. Despite having done all that for the past six years and believing I’m reasonably good at them, I still know what it is like to fear being under-prepared nonetheless.

13. WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS This rings truer than ever for me. I think when one door closes, it actually pushes you out into this open space of everything-ness, or vulnerability that forces you to meet new people and accept new possibilities, and more often than not, it is good.

14. ACCEPTANCE COMES TO YOU WHEN YOU LEARN TO ACCEPT YOURSELF It’s absolutely noble to believe that acceptance will come to you when you learn to accept others, but what about accepting yourself first? I realise I tend to push people away because of the way I see the flaws in myself, and while it isn’t fair to them, it is definitely not fair to myself either. Self-acceptance isn’t preached enough, if I must say.

15. NO AMOUNT OF PREPARATION WILL PREPARE YOU FOR LIFE To the parents or parents-to-be out there, believe this. No amount of teaching and telling will beat allowing your kids to go out there, live their lives and learn from their mistakes. Don’t spare the rod, but don’t keep them in a bubble either.

16. CHURCH IS GOOD FOR YOU, BUT NOT ALWAYS I grew up going to church every Sunday and sometimes, I inevitably feel like it becomes a little society that we enrol ourselves in at. Instead of going out there and being real, we relinquish our fate to a higher being and sit on our laurels praying and hoping for change to happen. There are so many rules and regulations within just four walls, and a whole bunch of judgemental Christian people that sometimes, it just gets too much. Take a breather, and know that it’s okay to walk away from church once in a while.

17. GIVE AS MUCH, AND TAKE AS LITTLE The world is accustomed to giving little and taking a lot. But as cliché as it probably sounds like, it really does feel good to give, more than take. Looking back, my life has its richness it has today, all because I gave. There’s no doubt you’d get taken advantage of, but trust me, it still is much more fulfilling being a giver than a taker.

18. EATING MAKES A LOT OF THINGS BETTER Feast like there is no tomorrow. Eating makes people happier. And I believe that is precisely why they serve food at almost every occasion imaginable – funerals, weddings, parties, and gatherings…you name it. So eat, and eat hearty.

19. BE CRAZY, EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE I was told once before that I took myself too seriously, and I believed it. But I found out the hard way that craziness really sets in with being around the right people – those who allow you to be crazy, and in fact, even encourage it without judging you based on your level of lameness. Everyone needs to let loose.

20. SEE THE WORLD, EVERY CHANCE YOU GET Travel. Every chance you get, travel. Whether you have a lot, or a little, travel. It throws you out into somebody else’s world and culture, and leaves you experiencing a lot more than your world would have offered on its own.

21. FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GET HURT We all say we’ll never love again when a heartbreak strikes, but I’ve come to learn that love can happen when you allow it to. I’ve learn to not stop falling in love, and above all, to not stop trusting people.

22. MAKE YOUR PARENTS YOUR PRIORITY Every time I sit down with my parents, I’ll notice that they’ve aged a little here and there. It scares me to think I’d lose them some day and so, I try hard to put them before everything else, and to spend as much time with them as I possibly can. They deserve to be a priority.

23. FALL IN LOVE WITH BOOKS “A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.” – George R. R. Martin. Enough said.

24. WAKE EARLY ON THE WEEKENDS My weekends are scarce. There are weeks that I feel like I’ve gone through without a weekend and it sucks big time, frankly. It’s a simple gesture – waking early, but it really makes a difference when you feel like your weekend’s been maximised and not the slightest bit wasted.

25. WRITE Whether it’s a book, or a journal, a blog or a Question-A-Day rant, write. Writing gives you a certain freedom that nothing else can give – the freedom to confide, to think, to deliberate and to reflect.

26. LEARN TO SAY NO Because this will help you not get burnt out, wear thin or get walked all over. Learning to say ‘no’ has helped me keep a healthy balance between time, effort, people and the matters that truly matter.

27. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS No one else will truly be interested in your happiness but yourself. There’s only just so much that people can do for you, and I’ve learnt that you’ve really got to go out there and build your happiness. That’s really just how it works.

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I CAN DIE NOW

Have you ever had those times when you did something – something perhaps almost never thought of, and so crazy it is an incredibly life changing testimony, and one that you would actually say, “I can die now” to, with absolutely no regrets.

This was my I can die now moment yesterday.

On Wednesday, I was on my home and just around the corner from my where I work; I saw this black and white dog sitting by the roadside, just next to the grassy curb. I didn’t stop or think much about it because I thought it was very normal for strays to sit around wherever and whenever they please. And just yesterday, on the way back from lunch with my photographer, I saw the same dog at the same place, and in the same position. It was raining and there was a lady with an umbrella squatting next to the dog, and from my distance I could see a Styrofoam food pack next to the dog. And that was when I knew something just wasn’t right.

My photographer dropped me back to office and I immediately drove out to where the dog was. Apparently the both the dog’s hind legs are injured, fractured or broken perhaps. This lady, Margie who was there to help tried to strap a muzzle on the wounded dog but she wasn’t quick enough so it ran a short distance, completely dragging its hind legs behind it and hid head first under Margie’s car. Wedged between the curb and under her car, the dog kept growling when we tried to coax her out from her position. I made a few vet calls and so did Margie, but the good ones were out on their house-call rounds. So she hopped in my car and we drove to Kota Damansara to get a vet to come with us to tranquilize the dog, and that’ll help us get her out from under the car, into a box and to the vet safely.

Dr. Chan came with us to administer the tranquilizer, and she was out in a couple of minutes and we lifted her into Margie’s ride and off she went to the vet.

Dear Margie, I couldn’t think of a better person that could have come to the dog’s aid. Though we’ve only known each other a little more in that short ride to the vet’s, I think you are an amazing lady in your own rights. The heart you have for these furry friends go beyond everything else, and I know there really is no better aid than yourself and your friend, Charmaine who first alerted you of the dog.

After my photographer and I placed the dog in Margie’s backseat, I couldn’t help but feel like today was an amazing day. Almost always, we tend to think that someone will rescue, someone will feed, and someone will adopt these poor animals. But we fail to realize that to everyone else, we are that ‘someone’ to them as well, and we are all just sitting around and hoping for everyone else but ourselves to get their hands dirty.

If it were a person by the roadside, it wouldn’t have taken this long for someone to come to his or her aid. People turn a deaf ear and a blind eye just because it’s an animal – a life we think is worth less than ours, more often than note. That’s what is incredibly heart-breaking. But I choose to believe that there are many more people like Margie out there in the world, saving, rescuing and loving these animals like their own kind.

After the whole ordeal, I went back to my office, washed my hands and sat down to a hot cup of tea, thinking…I can die now.

{Dr. Chan administering the tranquilizer shot while the poor fella continues to hide head first under Margie’s ride}

p.s.: Margie and her friends work together to spay and release strays so that they don’t reproduce and elevate the problem of strays on their streets. Their works are absolutely not for profit, and above all, funds and subsidies are entirely raised or requested for by the team of people. The dog is now under medication and observation. The vet is giving it two weeks to see if it regains its ability to walk before proceeding with any further procedures from there on.

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ON ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NOTES

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Hello! So yesterday’s LINES I LOVE was officially my 100th post! *throws confetti*

When I first started out this blog, I told myself I would celebrate my first 100th blog posting and follower. I’ve had a handful of blogs before Salt & Pepper actually took shape but they never made it to their 100th posting because I simply ran out of things to write about, oh and also because I kept finding new platforms to blog on which were much more awesome, aesthetically speaking. I know, I’m a sucker for how things look on the outside. Haha!

Anyway, I’m psyched about reaching my 100th blog follower.(: I am. So to all of my 64 followers to date, I can’t thank you enough for getting me slightly-over-halfway there!

Just within this year, I have had to attend close to seven weddings of friends and family. I have witnessed the expression of love in a form that I feel, would perhaps not be for me. It’s crazy saying such a thing. But speaking with a close friend just yesterday got me thinking. She asked if things were alright between Mr. Bentley and myself. I then told her of our indefinite break, which she solemnly said, “I think you’ve been through a lot with all your relationships, right from the start.” I concur.

I’ve never had things easy in love. My first love was one that was awkward and somewhat a wrong move, in my opinion. But that said, we lasted for two years, going back and forth with problems that never got resolved because we were on totally different wavelengths. I fought hard for my second relationship, only to have it end abruptly a couple of years later, which in turn took me three years of my life to get over, which ate into my third relationship that followed. We pulled through and stayed in it for a good six years until I began to want different things in life, and moved on. Then it was Mr. Bentley, which started rough thanks to all the baggages I carried with me. But he loved me anyway, and we were closing in to three years until well, the break happened. I know everyone has got those rough patches in love but I can’t help but feel like my stars just don’t align to give me that happy ending everyone I know has arrived at. Some have settled down, while most are settling down or already have plans to, and here I am just starting from scratch, again. It sucks. Big time. While it’s absolutely alright to be single and enjoying life, it does make a world of a difference just knowing you’re going home to someone, have someone who’d laugh at your stupid jokes, listen to your lousy-day rants, hold you when you’re crying and above all, kiss you on the forehead every now and then, and forever.

I always ask myself if I would be okay – a question to which I actually know the answer to. I would be. But the real question is, would I be okay seeing people around me being giddily in love while I only remember what being giddily in love feels like? Don’t get me wrong. I never compared my relationships to anyone else’s. Or to say the least, it’s something I’ve learnt not to do over the past few years. But seeing how some couples celebrate their partners definitely make me tingle with a little jealousy. It’s the inevitable. It’s not as easy for me to think “I’ll just go out and meet more people then” because I really only live with that handful of social circles. Take away my church group, and I’m pretty much left with some close girlfriends, my primary school mates and a bunch of random friends of friends that keep in touch only every once in a while. Also, bearing in mind that being pretty picky when it comes to liking someone, let alone seeing myself being in love with them doesn’t help, but is absolutely not something I’m going to even consider compromising on. And whether I like it or not, my church community is somewhat well, conservative. Or perhaps, seven out of ten Christians on the face of this earth just happen to be, and godliness is almost entirely judged by what is visible to the eye – no tattoos, modest dressing at all times, present in church every Sunday, active in tons of roles and ministries and more. It’s not a generalisation at all. I’m just stating the trend in my church, having been in it for 24 years of my life and growing up observing this culture playing out over, and over, and over.

In all honesty, I feel a bit like an outcast at times, with the only redeeming moments being when the youths come to me with their life’s questions on cohabiting, suicide, falling in love, getting tattoos, being a Christian while keeping things real and stuff because they can’t go to anyone else with this lest they want to risk crucification. I don’t have an exemplary relationship for them to follow after, but I can safely say I’ve been through enough to tell them what matters and what most probably does not. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel like things would’ve been easier (not to mention, better) if I did have an exemplary lifestyle or relationship that fits the bill of what’s normal and good. Maybe if I weren’t this open about life, this YOLO about living, this adamant about living life on my own terms, this set on being different, this sure about where I’m headed to and what for, perhaps things would be easier. I have no regrets for the person I am, where I stand and what I stand for. But on certain days, I do wonder what it’s like to be normal. To be ordinarily flowing with the world’s concepts of what’s good, godly and exemplary. It’s just a thought I find myself dribbling in every once in a while. Nothing too serious, really.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing. Okay, maybe I would do some things different, but I’d most likely end up where I am, just perhaps happier? Wiser? Or richer? Haha. I would tell my younger self to FREAKING SAVE MONEY ALREADY! that’s for sure. I would take bigger chances and appreciate fleeting moments presented to me in life because, in Jim Rohn’s words of wisdom, “Indecision is the thief of opportunity.”

Trust me, it is.

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LINES I LOVE

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Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:4, The Message

Lines I Love is a simple compilation of well, lines that I love – whether in songs, poems, movies or books. Read the rest of it here

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WHAT WOULD YOU TRADE TO GAIN?

Young, happy and dead.

This is my friend, who would’ve been 27 this year if she were around. And just a couple days back, her mom dropped dead from a burst blood vessel in her head.

And there’s the usual wake, and the funeral that follow, and the eulogies, the appreciation speeches, the weeping and the coping with life after a death.

We take our lives for granted, and above all, the people in them. We live our lives as if we will always have a tomorrow to count on, an another day to live by. We are quick to forget that we live on borrowed time, and slow to remember that it is the people that matter, not the things and achievements.

I have always struggled with prayer, frankly. At times, I believe myself to be a church-going, principle-keeping, prayer-believing Christian. And more often than not, there are those other times that I am but a burnt-out, bored as hell, God-doubting Christian. But don’t get me wrong; I still do believe anyway, that all the goodness and greatness in my life cometh from above. It’s just that in a hideously frank manner, I have to admit to being just like every other scaredy cat out there that turns to God – whether or not they believe in Him – when I’m at my lowest, rock bottom moments. When things are spinning out of my control, when I want something bigger and better to happen, I know to pray. I am such a horrible Christian, really.

At one point in my life, my job was my priority and I was the sort that was so married to it that I had this nudging feeling at the back of my mind that if God decides to humble me, He could take away my job and I’d be more or less, dead. It was at this point that I was so blindly passionate about my job that I was ready to trade anything to keep it at its peak. I would actually pray, “God, please don’t take my job. Don’t humble me that way.”

And then I began to see things differently when Mr. Bentley came around. He’d whine about my work hours, and my constant checking of emails despite being away on a holiday with him. I learnt slowly to check my priorities and set them straight – doing my best to make time for us, for hanging out, for dessert dates and the occasional coffee round upstairs. But I regret not learning these things earlier, and learning to appreciate the time we had together a lot more than living my job as if it defined my life. It was too slow of a lesson learnt for me that I did still consider trading my relationship to keep my head in my job (we even argued about this once). Shame on me, honestly.

Now, I find myself praying that He doesn’t take away my relationship. I have asked for a million things in prayer when we’d argue back then, but now, I just want things to go back to how they were before – rough, tough but undeniably in love, and strong above all. Those were the best days of my life, I’d say. And they are on the verge of disappearing. It’s been years since I did this but out of desperation, I went on my knees last night praying, “God, please don’t take my relationship. Don’t humble me that way.” For all the confusion I’m putting Him through, God must hate me, if He did actually hate anyone at all.

It’s funny how the person who once made me realize how much time and effort I’m pouring into a job that’s temporary, is now drifting away from a permanent something I have come to build my world around. The change is too…sudden.

I now know what it’s like to be traded in gain of a career’s success, and I promise I will never make that mistake ever again. So really, the question is…in a life that’s fleeting, what would you trade to gain?

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A MILLION BRILLIANT THINGS

Everyday, a stranger does, says or writes something that changes the way I look at life.

Today, I went to Starbucks to grab a drink for lunch. Thought of checking my mails, followed by some blogs. It’s the first time a barista actually said ‘have a nice day!’ when he handed me my drink.(: While it’s a really simple gesture, it is apparently too simple a gesture that we often overlook it anyway. And it made me realize that sometimes, people really don’t need your money. Or time. Or help. But a simple gesture like a wish, sure goes a long way.

Then, there are these amazing shots that were taken by fellow blogger, Patrick Latter. I’ve always had this warped idea that before I die, I’d have to go to all the amazing places like NYC, London, Paris and stuffs- the commercialized places that the whole world would suggest you visit. But when I saw Latter’s shots of Bermuda, above everywhere else, I now wish to go there. Correction- to be there. And instead of being all prim and proper, I wish to have on a pair of flipflops and walk the shoreline of Bermuda’s beaches, or even snowboots to tread the snow covered slopes of Chester Lake.(:

Last but definitely not least for the day, there’s One7 on Chris Martin’s blog. Three years ago, I prayed and asked for a car. I even inserted the exact colour/specs/model that I had wanted into the prayer. I made a pact with Him, that if He provided me with the discipline to save up for the car (I am very bad with my finances), I will in return use it to be a blessing by fetching my youths (who don’t drive), to and fro for church services. And it happened. Three years after, I got the car- in the exact colour/specs/model, which I then conveniently forgot about the pact. That was, until today. It might be a really small matter, but big enough for Him to see that I get the car, and on my part, that I keep my pact. And I will.(: If the least I can do is to serve His people well, then I will. His entries are like gentle reminders of the grace of God.

{photos by Patrick Latter}

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