“Have you ever had a moment come along during your life when you were completely and utterly broken? A moment that wrecked you to the very core of your being, and reduced you to nothing but a pile of smoldering ashes? Something that didn’t just gently tug at your heart strings, but ripped them from the shell of human dust you were created from?”- Chris Martin
To be honest, it has crossed my mind before that I should perhaps, have stayed where I was. I would have been safe; too safe for my liking, but safe, to say the least.
I’d hate for you to see me now. For the anger and frustration I am sitting through and waiting out, I could’ve been growing, enjoying life and living. But it’s gotten to a point that I don’t even know if I’ve just thrown in the towel and submitted to every emotion I vowed never to succumb to, zombie-ing in and out of my days just hoping time passes quicker, and quicker that if there were still worse days to come, it would’ve hit me already and the better ones, just around the corner, or if I’m just temporarily annoyed, impatient, frustrated, angry and exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically.
I hate to have to admit that I’m back where I was about eight or nine years ago. While I am not ready to go back to wasting three years or more of my life getting over a relationship that I thought was a keeper, it doesn’t look like I have a choice. My only consolation is perhaps the nagging feeling that this is worth waiting out, even if it ends in nothingness. I hate that I’d allowed you to bring me to where I am now, that you have broken absolutely everything I have believed and hoped in and then you go on and take some more. I hate that I sayang you this much.
If you recall, I wanted things to move slower. You were upset when I said Melbourne was too fast and that I was afraid that meeting your entirely family was a bit too soon. But I promised to give it some serious thought and consideration and came to the conclusion that, nothing is too soon if I sayang you this much. So we bought our tickets and we packed our bags, and off to Melbourne we went. No regrets.
I don’t regret anything we’ve been through. Not the time when we argued crazy big time. Not the time when we went to Singapore and had a really long chat about life ahead of us. Not the time when I risked getting fired, lying my way through to go Legoland with you because it was my peak period and I couldn’t get a day off. Not the time when I broke my piggybank to buy you that StarWars lego set and get it back all the way from NYC. Not the time when I asked you to come watch Phantom with me in Singapore, and I told you I’d take care of everything because you haven’t gotten a job yet. Not the time when I made you an ‘E’ shaped cake and we celebrated your first birthday together as a couple. Not the time when we said we’d go out for breakfast but ended up rolling in bed until noon and you were grumplebumps. Not the time when you had to go to work on our KL day out. Not the time when you asked me if you got your priorities wrong when this new job started stealing you from me and I said ‘no’ because I didn’t want to discourage you. Not the time when I prayed that you’ll land a job you’d enjoy and be celebrated at, and all these happened after you got the job. Not the time I planned out my third anniversary gift to you for an anniversary that we didn’t make it to.
Part of me feels like I have so much to look back on and regret, but I can never bring myself to feel like it was a waste of my time, my resources, my life. I still stand here giving myself a million reasons to believe that our time together is everything but a waste.
Even if our paths don’t meet again, I hope you know how much I sayang you and that no one, absolutely no one would sayang you as much as I do. You’re a hard nut to crack and it’s always been that way since high school. I’ve seen you at your best and your worst, and loved you all the same. Please know that you’re a big part of my life that I’ve never wanted to write an end to.