Hello! So yesterday’s LINES I LOVE was officially my 100th post! *throws confetti*
When I first started out this blog, I told myself I would celebrate my first 100th blog posting and follower. I’ve had a handful of blogs before Salt & Pepper actually took shape but they never made it to their 100th posting because I simply ran out of things to write about, oh and also because I kept finding new platforms to blog on which were much more awesome, aesthetically speaking. I know, I’m a sucker for how things look on the outside. Haha!
Anyway, I’m psyched about reaching my 100th blog follower.(: I am. So to all of my 64 followers to date, I can’t thank you enough for getting me slightly-over-halfway there!
Just within this year, I have had to attend close to seven weddings of friends and family. I have witnessed the expression of love in a form that I feel, would perhaps not be for me. It’s crazy saying such a thing. But speaking with a close friend just yesterday got me thinking. She asked if things were alright between Mr. Bentley and myself. I then told her of our indefinite break, which she solemnly said, “I think you’ve been through a lot with all your relationships, right from the start.” I concur.
I’ve never had things easy in love. My first love was one that was awkward and somewhat a wrong move, in my opinion. But that said, we lasted for two years, going back and forth with problems that never got resolved because we were on totally different wavelengths. I fought hard for my second relationship, only to have it end abruptly a couple of years later, which in turn took me three years of my life to get over, which ate into my third relationship that followed. We pulled through and stayed in it for a good six years until I began to want different things in life, and moved on. Then it was Mr. Bentley, which started rough thanks to all the baggages I carried with me. But he loved me anyway, and we were closing in to three years until well, the break happened. I know everyone has got those rough patches in love but I can’t help but feel like my stars just don’t align to give me that happy ending everyone I know has arrived at. Some have settled down, while most are settling down or already have plans to, and here I am just starting from scratch, again. It sucks. Big time. While it’s absolutely alright to be single and enjoying life, it does make a world of a difference just knowing you’re going home to someone, have someone who’d laugh at your stupid jokes, listen to your lousy-day rants, hold you when you’re crying and above all, kiss you on the forehead every now and then, and forever.
I always ask myself if I would be okay – a question to which I actually know the answer to. I would be. But the real question is, would I be okay seeing people around me being giddily in love while I only remember what being giddily in love feels like? Don’t get me wrong. I never compared my relationships to anyone else’s. Or to say the least, it’s something I’ve learnt not to do over the past few years. But seeing how some couples celebrate their partners definitely make me tingle with a little jealousy. It’s the inevitable. It’s not as easy for me to think “I’ll just go out and meet more people then” because I really only live with that handful of social circles. Take away my church group, and I’m pretty much left with some close girlfriends, my primary school mates and a bunch of random friends of friends that keep in touch only every once in a while. Also, bearing in mind that being pretty picky when it comes to liking someone, let alone seeing myself being in love with them doesn’t help, but is absolutely not something I’m going to even consider compromising on. And whether I like it or not, my church community is somewhat well, conservative. Or perhaps, seven out of ten Christians on the face of this earth just happen to be, and godliness is almost entirely judged by what is visible to the eye – no tattoos, modest dressing at all times, present in church every Sunday, active in tons of roles and ministries and more. It’s not a generalisation at all. I’m just stating the trend in my church, having been in it for 24 years of my life and growing up observing this culture playing out over, and over, and over.
In all honesty, I feel a bit like an outcast at times, with the only redeeming moments being when the youths come to me with their life’s questions on cohabiting, suicide, falling in love, getting tattoos, being a Christian while keeping things real and stuff because they can’t go to anyone else with this lest they want to risk crucification. I don’t have an exemplary relationship for them to follow after, but I can safely say I’ve been through enough to tell them what matters and what most probably does not. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel like things would’ve been easier (not to mention, better) if I did have an exemplary lifestyle or relationship that fits the bill of what’s normal and good. Maybe if I weren’t this open about life, this YOLO about living, this adamant about living life on my own terms, this set on being different, this sure about where I’m headed to and what for, perhaps things would be easier. I have no regrets for the person I am, where I stand and what I stand for. But on certain days, I do wonder what it’s like to be normal. To be ordinarily flowing with the world’s concepts of what’s good, godly and exemplary. It’s just a thought I find myself dribbling in every once in a while. Nothing too serious, really.
If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing. Okay, maybe I would do some things different, but I’d most likely end up where I am, just perhaps happier? Wiser? Or richer? Haha. I would tell my younger self to FREAKING SAVE MONEY ALREADY! that’s for sure. I would take bigger chances and appreciate fleeting moments presented to me in life because, in Jim Rohn’s words of wisdom, “Indecision is the thief of opportunity.”
Trust me, it is.