I don’t think I’ve ever been this distraught over anything. Maybe my first break up about 10 years ago did mess with me a little, but really, nothing this horrible.
For the past couple of weeks or slightly more, I did actually think I was doing alright from the break Mr. Bentley and I had agreed upon. But I’ve never been more wrong. I’ve patted myself on the back for surviving two weddings since the break, but it wasn’t easy at all.
Everyone says that change is inevitable, and I couldn’t agree more. But most of the time, change feels like it subtly invades your space, and thus you have no choice but to accommodate it. Then there are those times when you get thrown into a situation that only change is what would possibly keep you alive, and your sanity intact.
…and that is the phase I am in – forcing myself to adapt to keep my head above waters.
Some changes I have attempted and am attempting, slowly but steadily:
A TATTOO BEARING A MEANING FAR TOO PERSONAL I’ve always sworn off tattoo-ing something that directly connects me to a person, like a name or a birth date or anything that would probably turn out to be a regret with time. But this time, I allowed myself to get inked based entirely on this phase I’m in. I got a phrase ‘this too shall pass’ and my first graphic ink, an anchor. The phrase, to remind me that everything, good and bad is but temporary. And the anchor, a symbol of two things to me – keeping myself grounded, and a reminder of things I’ve perhaps anchored my life around.
MY ROOM, ORGANIZED For the three years Mr. Bentley and I were together, he has probably been to my room less than five times, really. It was always a mess and despite him saying he wouldn’t judge me for it, I never allowed him in. Not even a peek. I decided to clean it out once and for all, because life’s too short to keep turning people down from entering my room when that space is really a reflection of who I am, and is most definitely the one place I wouldn’t mind hanging in at anytime.
TAKING UP SCUBA DIVING The abundance of time I have on hand since not going on dates shall be put into scuba diving lessons of some sort. I was all set to attempt a dive course with some friends but it clashed with my New York trip. It’s as if God knew there’d be a time I could use these dive lessons a lot more than my initial plans had it. Hopefully it takes shape some time next year and I’d be a certified diver by mid-year. I even toyed with the idea of a free-diving experience just reading an article on it last week on my flight to Singapore. Maybe.
GETTING A PLACE OF MY OWN This is a big decision, I know; nothing like the other three. But I feel like getting a place of my own would take my mind off the rut I’m in. I’ve been house hunting, both online and visiting physical properties, reading up and weighing out all my possible bank loans and their procedures. I think channelling my energy (and finance) into making a space my own will perhaps give me a sense of accomplishment that would hopefully remind me that while I might not be where I want to be, I am where I need to be. And that’s what matters most.
GOING BACK TO STUDYING I was thinking of going back to studying. Gemology studies, perhaps. Maybe getting out of the country for a good while would be an alright move to help me put things behind. And if it’s hard to get out there on the grounds of work, I suppose going out to study would do. And plus, I’ve always wanted to study gemology and learn the art of cutting stones and setting them, and earning a fat pay cheque with that. Haha! But yes. The idea is very tempting. Though I am also considering staying put in my job and doing a stint at Central Saint Martins College of Arts and Design some time.
QUIT A MINISTRY Don’t panic yet. I’m only quiting one to join another. I have given it some good thought-time and decided that I want to quit the Worship ministry to be part of a more encouraging one, the usher ministry. If you are like everyone else, you’d probably ask why. It’s simple. Worship leading in my church can get quite depressing because the congregation is not receptive at all, and it always feels like you’re the only one up on stage belting it out and trying to coax them into worshipping with you. I know it’s for God, and not men that we worship but let’s face it, no one appreciates a dead crowd. Not especially when you practice for two whole hours almost every week (small church, small duty rotation), song-arrange and whip your music team into shape only to have the church complain that the songs are too new/too fast, drums are too loud, worship leader has got too many tattoos and whatever. It’s depressing, and I can’t wait to get out, frankly.