TO BELONG, TO SOMEONE OR SOMEWHERE

Weddings. They redefine friendships, relationships and above all, the meaning of life and love.

I am writing from Perth at this very moment. Flew in for my cousin’s wedding, and will be here for about a week. Weddings have a weird way of getting you thinking about your life, its direction and destination. I always knew I wasn’t the kind who’d settle down in marriage, at least not at 26 years of age when everything is still just about beginning to unfold for and around me. But that said, my cousin’s wedding did push me into that space of thought. It’s not about caving in to the pressure of family and peers of the same age group tying the knot while you’re still just well, dating but it’s just a whole shift of dynamics and all of a sudden, you realise that life at 26 is a different ball game altogether, especially when it’s that age when you should be stabilising, relationship wise to say the least.

I am but two weeks older than my cousin is. We share almost similar characteristics, so say the relatives, her parents and mine. They are an amazing couple with equally amazing friends that were part of a beautiful wedding, I must say. Decked out under the sun at that garden wedding waiting for the bridal party to stroll in, it was inevitable that I asked myself the million dollar question, “Will I ever get married? Will I ever be ready to commit?

Everyone says that when the right person comes along, things will fall into place. I was in a six year long relationship only to eventually feel like we, or more like I wanted different things in life and we just went downhill from there. I can’t help but wonder if I’d ever be able to settle for a routine, whether it’s a habit, a job, a life, or a person. It scares me terribly that I suck at committing to something. And I am absolutely envious of these people who are able to commit to something, or someone for the rest of their lives not knowing if things are for better or worse.

Every time I travel, I make sure I bring extra cash, for those just-in-case scenarios. I always bring extra for the extra and it’s good (and wise, in my opinion) because I will never have to worry if my plastic don’t pass a transaction or if I got stranded somewhere and needed to cab home. But Mr. Bentley made a point went he said this was a reflection of the person I am, an almost-control freak. I had to be in control of, or at least know at the back of my mind that I can salvage a situation whatever it is and I eventually just don’t get to living out those YOLO moments I swear by, simply because I’m always too damn cautious of order, plans, and back up plans.

In all honesty, I am afraid to commit to something, anything, that I don’t already know the outcome to, or have the ability to control the eventual outcome of. When I look at some of the friends that would most likely be our wedding guests or even part of the bridal party, I can’t help but question if they are ready to be part of our wedded life, if we settle down. There are so many concerns that I have, just thinking of the possible list of people that will be playing a part in our big day, if ever. And I suddenly think to myself, “Damn. We need more mature friends who don’t talk to breasts and live on booze.”  Friends who can and would actually give us good advice and guidance when we need some. And trusting those friends to give good speeches at your wedding, even. After all, they always say that when you marry a person, you marry his/her friends and family too. It is funny at first, but then it gets scary afterwards if you really give it a thought.

I envy the assurance people find in their best friend, their punching bag, the love of their life, their spouses, despite really not knowing what’s up ahead – good or bad – that’s in store for them. I envy how people are willing to surrender the utmost control over their lives and to share it with that someone special. I want to have that assurance, cling on to it and abandon all doubts at once.

If I never get married, I swear I’d style a mock wedding with my best guy friend, have it photographed for keepsake and move on with my luggage to a million other places until I find a place where I feel like I belong.

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